How To Get Through A Bad Mental Health Day

Photo by Kinga Cichewicz on Unsplash

I had a bad mental health day the other day. Like, really bad. As in, it was one of those ones where you hadn’t had one in a while and you almost thought you were done with them, and then out of the blue something happens and you’re literally just crying all day and wondering what you did wrong and you can’t identify your emotions because they’re just all one spiraling whirlwind that seems to have taken you like Dorothy to a very scary version of Oz (not that the one in the movie wasn’t scary at all! I mean, flying monkeys? Those are obviously different mental illnesses in disguise, trying to scoop you up).

Yes, I had one of those days. And to be honest, it really scared me. I won’t get into the details of what happened, but something really upset me, and even though I was trying to be strong, the depression, anxiety, and OCD, mixed with that low self-esteem and self-loathing came into play, and I felt worthless, and honestly, expendable. I pretty much just cried all day, with the thoughts of what happened repeating in my mind (thanks, OCD! You're the best! Not.) and the awful, negative thoughts that accompanied it. It was truly horrendous and one I don’t ever want to experience for a long, long time.

But the day after, when I’m writing this, and honestly, trying to recover and regroup from yesterday, it made me think: how did I get through yesterday? Because in all of it’s awfulness, it kind of seemed like a blur, and it made me wonder how on earth I got through it, and what I could have done to have helped myself out more. Yes, I was very upset and hurt and angry and depressed, which are all valid feelings, but how could I have helped identify my feelings and what I could have done calm myself so I could think and see things a bit more clearly and calm myself down so this one event didn’t take over my day (which it did) and I could have done a little less crying? (I am currently drinking lots of water in order to rehydrate myself. I lost a lot of water yesterday!)

So I’ve come up with my own plan (or tips or reminders, or whatever you would like to call them) for helping myself get through a bad mental health day (or a bad mental health moment or period of time. Like I said, you can call them what you like!). I hope I can use it in the future (though it can be hard to focus when you’re going through something that feels a lot like a breakdown), but I hope I can reference it in the future and that if you ever need some help during a bad mental health day, you can use some of these tips, too. I hope they’ll help us both! (Fingers crossed that we won’t need to use them very often!)

1. Talk To Your Support System, Whether That Be Friends, Family, Your Therapist/Mental Health Team, etc.
Just talking to another person about the things that have happened and what you’re feeling can be such a relief if you’ve been bottling it all up inside. You don’t have to suffer alone and you don’t have to get through this alone either. So please open up and talk it out if you can to someone you love and trust (there also shouldn’t be any shame in talking about what you’re going through!) and who can provide some love, support, calm, and good advice. (But if you’re feeling extremely depressed or like you could hurt yourself, please contact help right away)

2. Your Feelings Are Valid
Yes, it may seem like your emotions are out of control at the moment but all of your feelings stem from something that happened and you’re allowed to feel hurt, angry, upset, sad, anxious, depressed, irritable, or anything else. Try to identify what you’re feeling, and why you’re feeling that way. That will help break down the root cause of what caused you to get so upset. But remember, it’s okay to feel upset. You are human and that’s just how we feel sometimes. (Especially those of us with more sensitive mental health!)

3. But Your Negative Thoughts Are Not Valid (Don’t Believe Them!)
Feelings and emotions are different from your thoughts, especially your negative ones. Focus on your feelings and emotions, which are real, not your negative thoughts, which are not. Your negative thoughts can lead you into very bad places, so try as best as you can to battle these thoughts with reason and logic. Negative thoughts are just the bullies in your brain and they are not the truth. Ignore them and combat them by focusing on the good, including the good qualities in yourself and the good in your life. Kick those negative thoughts outta there! (Which I know I know can be difficult if you’re like me and have OCD, but try your best! I know you can do it!)

4. It’s Okay To Retreat and Cry It Out
You may not want to cry and explode, but sometimes that’s what your body needs to do to get all of this built up tension and frustration out of your body. I hate crying (yet I do it often), but I have to admit, sometimes if I let it all out, I feel really good afterwards. It also clears my head (although I do get a headache from all the crying, so please remember to drink lots of water if you do end up going on a crying spell) and I can start to think more clearly about why I’m so upset and what I can do to calm myself down so I can focus on either fixing the problem or, in some cases, just moving on from what happened.

5. You Will Be Okay
I promise you. It may not seem like it in the moment, but whatever upset you, or triggered you, can be dealt with or moved past. It just takes effort and time from you to get through this to the other side. These feelings and emotions aren’t forever! It just may not seem like it at the time, but I promise you that you will get through this.

I know I’m not a mental health professional, so these are only my suggestions, not professional advice (so please don’t take this as gospel, but talk to your own mental health provider about a specific plan for you during these bad days), but these tips really helped me and even writing them down and being reminded of them are reassuring to me for if/when my next bad mental health day comes (which I hope it doesn’t come for a long while! Fingers crossed, knock on wood! This one was enough for at least six months! Or longer!). I hope some of these tips/tricks/reminders/ideas can help you out if you’re going through a bad mental health day. Remember, you can and will get through these tough moments, and they do not define you. You’re stronger and braver than you realize. You may not think of it at that moment, but I hope you realize that it’s true.

And these were just a few ideas for getting through a bad mental health day (or moment or whatever you want to call it!). What do you do to get through these tough times? I know I could have included a lot on this list, from breathing exercises, to distraction (I’m all for distraction for a bit if it helps with the whirlwind of emotions/bad thoughts), but what would you recommend for a bad mental health day/moment? Let me know in the comments and let me know what you thought of my list! And thank you for reading and if you’re struggling, stay strong! You’ll get through this!

Pin It!

Mental Illness and the Art of Pretending

Photo by Kyle Sudu on Unsplash

In honor of May being Mental Health Awareness Month, I have decided to share one of my mental health experiences this month. Writing about mental health can be hard, but I feel it’s worth it to spread awareness and share my story with others, who may have suffered or are suffering with something similar. It’s always good to know you’re not alone with this.

***

When you’re depressed or anxious or are just suffering with your mental health, you become skilled at the art of pretending.

Everything is “fine.” You’re “great.” Nothing "new" is up. Your life is just so boring right now. Nothing new to report. When really it’s the exact opposite. Your life is so hectic. It may all be happening inside your mind: the depression, the anxiety, the panic attacks, the manic episodes, the obsessive thoughts, but all of that still filters out into your physical life and is taking up so much of your time. It's consuming your life. That's "what's up" with you. You just don’t want to tell anyone about it or admit that it’s even happening. To you or anyone.

You’re a pro at make believe, that everything is normal and that you’re not suffering inside.

But what people don’t know is that you don’t want to bother anyone. Bog them down with your troubles. Burden them with it. Your medication and side effect woes. Your psychiatrist/psychologist/therapist/counselor/doctor appointments. The sleepless nights and sleeping all day. Or the fact that you don't have any help or anyone to talk to. That you're alone in this awfulness. Those feelings that you just can’t escape and so desperately want to. So you pretend that everything is just fine and dandy. It's really not though.

Pretending is an art that you’ve mastered and you have everyone fooled. But deep down you know you want help or someone to just ask you if you’re okay, and for you to just say simply and easily, “yes, yes I do need help,” or “yes, I do want to talk about it.”

For most of my life, I have been one of those people who have pretended. Pretended I was okay, pretended I was fine, pretended my life was so boring that there really was nothing up with me, when really everything up with me was a horrible tornado in my mind, spinning out of control, and causing deep depressions, outbursts of anxiety, panic attacks, obsessive thoughts, awful compulsions, endless crying, and more. But on the outside, I wanted everything to look as if I was just like everyone else. Someone with a “normal" life, the one I was trying so hard to imitate. I didn’t want to admit that anything was wrong with me. So I lied and pretended.

And I have to admit, I still do at times. I’m afraid to speak up, not just because I don’t want to admit that there’s something wrong with me, but because I don’t know who to talk to about it (besides a mental health professional). Who will understand, who won’t judge me? Who won’t call me crazy? (It’s happened.) It’s a scary thing to admit that you need help or want to talk, but when you finally do get the courage or are desperate enough, who can you turn to talk to or to trust them with your innermost thoughts and feelings? Thoughts and feelings not everyone will understand because they’ve never gone through something even remotely similar? The very idea is terrifying to think that you could tell someone and they wouldn’t understand or get it. (“You do know that’s crazy...right?”- something someone actually said to me once.)

But you know what I’ve learned after years of being silent and trying to be stoic and not be a bother?

People who pretend are strong. They’re trying so hard to keep things to themselves, figure it out on their own, and not burden their family and friends, that they’re suffering even more because of their silence. But that strength will only get you so far until you need help, and then it might be too late. 

But people who ask for help are also strong. Because they have that bravery, and that knowledge to know that it's time to ask for help. That they realize they need help, and they have the strength to seek it out and ask for it, even if they're at the brink of something terrible. And I applaud them for it. (That's called advocating for yourself, people!)

I hope that one day asking for help won’t be so shameful and that you don't have to pretend that you’re okay when you're not okay. (You can always keep things to yourself, of course, because it's your life and it is your choice whether or not you want to tell people what you’re going through. You don’t have to tell any old person, just someone you trust, whether it’s a friend or a mental health professional.) That it’s acceptable to tell the truth. To ask for help. To know that you’re not a burden.

Because you’re not.

And I’m not, either.

Never be ashamed to ask for help, especially professional help. We all deserve to get the help we need, to be able to ask for it, without drama, without judgement, and with compassion. If you need help, and you’ve been pretending, I hope you can find a person you trust, and ask for help if you need to. Or even just someone to talk to. (Though I really would suggest professional help if you're having serious problems. There's only so much a friend can listen to and try to help, so getting professional help is a must, sometimes. And something I definitely encourage for people!)

Asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness. It’s a sign of strength and that you know it’s time that you speak up for the help that you need and deserve. Let's do away with pretending and start speaking up for ourselves. Because it's about damn time.

***

I know May is Mental Health Awareness Month and is a great way to remind people of everyone who suffers from mental health and obviously bring awareness to it, but just remember that it doesn’t have to be May for you to speak up and get help. Any month of the year, any day of the year, is the best time for you to ask for help. And I hope you do. To everyone else who may not suffer from any mental health conditions but is friends with someone who has them, please listen. It will mean the world to us if you do.

Have you ever hid your mental illness behind the art of pretending? Have you learned to be more open about it, or do you still keep it quiet? (After all, it's a personal choice whether you want to talk about it or not!) Let me know your thoughts in the comments below!

Pin It!

My Story Of Living With Emetophobia

*Trigger Warning!*

In this post I will be talking about emetophobia. If you’re easily triggered by talk of vomit or other words I may use instead of vomit (because honestly, using that word is going to get boring and I’m going to bring in some synonyms to mix things up), skip this post and read one of my other happier ones.

What Is Emetophobia?

Some of you may know what emetophobia is. But some of you might not. Here’s a hint:

“Emesis” comes from the Greek word “emein,” which means “to vomit,” and “phobia,” obviously means an irrational fear.

Put "emesis" and "phobia" together, and what do you get? Emetophobia, the fear of vomiting.

I suffer from emetophobia. It started when I was around 11 (we’ll get around to the story soon, I promise), ruled my life for many years, but is now lying dormant, just waiting for a stomach bug. It’s an awful fear to have, because as gross as barfing is, it’s very hard to avoid it. Sometimes you get sick, sometimes someone else gets sick. Sometimes you even throw up because it’s your stomach’s own defense mechanism if you eat something bad for you or possibly poisonous (aka the dreaded food poisoning!). Basically, puking happens in life and you can’t avoid it forever. Unfortunately.

Emetophobia can be being scared of vomit or vomiting, and of being around others who vomit. The sight, sounds, or even the thought of vomit or vomiting can send a person with emetophobia into anxiety or a panic attack (or both!). I mean, no one likes throwing up (it’s super gross and awful, we can all agree on that!) but people with emetophobia will avoid all situations that can in any way possible lead to vomiting. Mention of the stomach flu? Avoid! Food that’s been in the fridge too long or near or past its expiration date? Throw that out! Going out drinking with the possibility of blowing chunks? Nuh-uh! Not gonna happen!

I didn’t always know that emetophobia had a name or it was an actual thing. I didn’t even know that other people had it! I honestly thought I was the only one in this very awful and exclusive club. I just knew that I had a strong and extreme fear of vomiting. It hurt my life for many years and led me to avoid so many situations and experiences just because I was scared of the possibility I might vomit. Because of this, I want to share my experience with all of you in the hopes that I can educate people about this phobia and hopefully help someone out there who reads this to know that they aren’t alone. (Because you aren't!)

It’s taken me a really long time until I discovered the Twitter community to realize that other people had this emetophobia thing too. I was inspired by Naomi over at Inching Forwards, to write about my own experience, since she wrote about hers, and I was so grateful that someone else understood. She also has some great tips and resources in her post (much better than mine), so please check out her post.

But my journey to emetophobe (aka a person who suffers from emetophobia) began with what I call "The Pizza Incident."

The Start of My Fear of Vomiting, or "The Pizza Incident" 

It all began, like I said, when I was 11. My mother is a great at making homemade pizza, and we’d have it often. So for lunch one day, my mom made an extra good pizza and my older sister and I chowed down. My sister has always been able to eat more than I have, so I felt a little like I was competing with her to eat as many slices as I could. I remember having several pieces and feeling rather full. But the pizza was yummy so I honestly didn’t mind.

A little while later, I started feeling a little sick. I wasn’t quite sure if it was my stomach or intestinal discomfort, but all I knew was that I felt very queasy. I decided the best thing to do was to plop myself down on the toilet (I know, TMI) with a book and just wait to see what would happen. Whatever end it came out of, I’d be set! (Listen, TMI again, but all bodily functions are gross and we all do them, so let’s just get over it, okay?) But the longer I sat there, the more queasy and sick I felt, and the more my heart started to race. I started sweating and thinking, “this hurts so much! What’s wrong? What’s going to happen? Why is this happening???” I felt so scared and confused. I didn’t realize it, but that was my very first panic attack. And the next thing I knew, I grabbed the trash can next to me and threw up into it. I remember my mom and sister coming in to check on me in the bathroom, with me sitting on the toilet, pantless, shaking and crying.

Even I could figure out what happened. Emetophobia usually comes after a traumatic incident involving vomit or vomiting. I knew that my first panic attack was connected to the idea of barfing, and they would forever be connected. Worst of all, I couldn’t eat pizza again for years. (If that doesn’t tell you how awful this fear is, then I don’t know what else will convince you!)

From there, the panic attacks would start and sneak up without warning. I remember waking up one day, early, and feeling panicky and nauseous. I wouldn’t eat anything, since I was afraid of throwing up again. I never wanted to feel that panic again. My mom would coax me with smoothies and gentle foods she promised wouldn’t upset my stomach. I eventually started eating again, but that fear remained and to be honest, I ate a lot less in case I overate and got sick. And continued to do so for many years to come.

The Peak of Fear

I had become obsessed with not vomiting. Or being around vomit. Or seeing vomit. Or hearing someone vomit. I even become obsessed with the idea of barfing and puke in general, despite the fact that it scared me so much I would obsessively check the labels on food to make sure they weren’t spoiled or else I would get food poisoning. I couldn’t watch any movie that had a puking scene in it. You know that one iconic scene in The Sandlot? I used to be able to watch it and laugh, but just the thought of it would make me go crying into my room. Even comedic scenes with throw up in them would send me in a blind panic, making me pull out my hair. I took to checking a website for parents that reviewed all the inappropriate things in movies to check for scenes of vomiting to make sure I could watch the movie in peace.

I ate less and less- just in case. When my acid reflux acted up, I carried about a plastic bag in my purse just in case I needed to puke when I was out. I flinched and freaked out when the words “vomit,” “barf,” or “puke,” (words I’m using now in this post) were even mentioned casually. I never tried alcohol as a teen because I was afraid just a single drop would make me hurl. I insisted on having food with any medication, just in case the medication shouldn’t be taken on an empty stomach. My life was consumed with not barfing, seeing vomit, or anything that had to do it. It was physically exhausting and emotionally draining.

This lasted for many years and coincided with a dark depression that started when I was around 12. I went to therapy. A lot of therapy. A lot of medications. No one I saw had any great ideas to help me with my Extreme Fear: Vomiting Edition except for talking about it. Which in all honesty, didn’t do too much, since we weren’t making any progress. Looking back, I was just wasting my parents’ insurance co-pays on substandard therapy sessions. Also, in retrospect, those therapists sucked and had no idea how to help me.

Eventually it got a little better when I was around 18, but unfortunately, another traumatic experience involving the idea of vomiting sent me on another dark route that I won’t get into now (or maybe ever, on this blog. Sometimes some things are too personal to share). But after many years of suffering, crying, hair-pulling, panic attacks, and anxiety, finding the right medications, and therapy, there was a light at the end of the tunnel. An unexpected, horrible light that would kind of really help.

The Thing I’ve Been Fearing the Most Happens (And It Kind of Helped)

Like I said earlier in this post, puking is kind of hard to avoid in life. Unfortunately, even if you have an irrational fear of it, it’s going to happen to you. It’s not like a “normal” fear, like of being murdered, where the percentage is incredibly tiny. Vomiting is going to happen to you at some point. And it finally happened to me.

After years of avoiding the regurgitation monster, it happened. I remember one night I got really dehydrated, and ended up getting very sick, gastrointestinally speaking, in the bathroom (we already discussed bodily issues earlier, so don’t get grossed out. You know it’s happened to you, too!). My body was losing a lot of water and I was feeling shaky and sick from all the trips to the bathroom. It was early morning and I thought if I possibly had a cracker (pita chips, to be exact) and a drink, it might settle my stomach.

It had the opposite effect. Being dehydrated can cause nausea and guess what happened after I ate? I threw up! For the first time in so many years, my worst fear happened to me. But it was so quick I almost barely registered it. Afterwards, as my mom helped me clean up the couch (sorry, couch), she smiled at me, hugged me, and whispered in my ear, “you did it.”

And she was right. I did do it. Well, technically, my stomach did the work for me. If I could have avoided barfing, I would have. But that’s the thing. Sometimes the thought and anticipation of throwing up is worse than the actual act (not that the actual act is pleasant. It’s the total opposite). Because the anticipation is really the fear of the possibility of throwing up. It’s that fear of losing control that somehow forms and clamps onto something physical that is really the problem. And I finally faced that fear without intending to!

Where I Am Now With My Fear

I can’t say that I’m “cured.” I don’t think there really is such a thing as being cured from a lot of things, especially mental health issues. I know people use the word “recovery” a lot, but I actually like the term “remission” better. I feel like a lot of my mental issues will always stay with me, but they will ebb and flow (more on the ebbing side, I hope!), and I feel that way about my fear of throwing up.

But after my unexpected hurling session happened, I learned that I could survive my worst fear. It didn’t destroy me. There wasn’t total blackness after it happened like I always expected there would be. I was still here, I made it through. Was it a horrible, gross experience? Of course it was. Again, no one likes throwing up. It just proved to me that I could work through my fear and survive something that is gross and scary, but not let that fear take over my life again.

Am I still scared of vomiting? Heck yes! I still panic when I hear a family member barfing, but I’ve come a long way. I’m able to pull myself together. Even though I do try to avoid the situation, I force myself to put that fear aside and focus on the person and what they’re feeling, not the act of barfing itself. I’ve even cleaned up some puke. Talk about self-imposed exposure therapy!

So for now, I try not to think about myself barfing unless I actually think I might. My current (and wonderful) therapist told me about anxiety is that there is no point in worrying if nothing has actually happened yet. After years of living with this and suffering from it, I feel like I sort of have a handle on it. But I’ll update you the next time I throw up on how it went! (If you really want to know, you twisted freaks. I’m kidding. I love you all. Thank you for reading this!)

Where to Find Help for Emetophobia

If you suffer from emetophobia, I highly recommend you find a therapist to help you deal with it. A therapist who deals with phobias and anxiety is the best option (not like the ones I went to who just wanted to take my parents’ money!). It will be incredibly hard to do, I’m just warning you, because the last thing you want to do when you have a fear of something is to talk about it and learn NOT to avoid it. But it is really worth it, if this fear is keeping you from living your life, like it did for me.

Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and exposure therapy are a few ways that therapists can help you face your fear of throwing up. I never did exposure therapy officially, but in a way I made myself face that fear by watching movies and videos with vomiting in them and dealing with barfing family members, as mentioned above. I’ve even heard some people say they’ve found websites or books to help them with their fear. All of these can help and have helped people (or so I’ve heard), but I would definitely try to find a therapist to help you instead of doing this all by yourself (I’m sure you can still use the books or websites along with therapy). I wish I had had that support back then, but hopefully you can have that support now.

You can get help with your fear. Don’t let it hold you back from all the good things life has to offer you! I missed out on so much because my anxiety and panic attacks influence me so much and I let my fear rule me. No one should live like that. I can’t promise that you’ll ever be “cured” (like I said, my status is currently “in remission”), but getting a hold on emetophobia and not fearing the vomit or the idea of puke can really change your life (and honestly let you watch more movies!). So with the help of a mental health professional and support from family and friends, you can learn not to let this fear rule your life. I promise you that it will be worth it!

Because guess what? Pizza and I are on good terms now. Take that, emetophobia!

This was a very emotional and hard post for me to write. I feel like most posts regarding my mental health are! Sometimes it can be painful to go back to such dark times. But I’m so glad I wrote it if it helps educate and help someone else who may have emetophobia. Thank you to everyone who reads this for listening and understanding. Please let me know in the comments if you’ve ever dealt with emetophobia or you’ve even heard of it before! I’d love to hear your thoughts!

Stay Weird,
Emily

Pin It!

My Struggles with Low Self-Esteem

I know this may come as a shock to you, but I am not the brimming, over the top, bubbly person that you may think I am. (Shocking, right??) I’m not particularly outgoing, or even that tenacious. I’ve always been rather shy (unless it’s around people I know very, very well) and an introvert, but one thing that’s really gotten in my way lately has been my self-esteem. And by self-esteem, I don’t mean that I have great confidence in myself, a la Sister Maria from The Sound of Music (is my musical nerd side showing? But seriously, it’s a classic!). No, what I mean is that I have low, poor self-esteem.

I knew this was something I should write about when I was in a group therapy session recently (I try, you guys, I really do). The counselor asked us to write down three names and to assign a monetary value to those people: one person you greatly admired and respected, yourself, and a person you hate. I gave the person I admired the value of a million dollars (I’m quite generous). And I gave the person I hate the value of $50 (he was a d*ck). And I gave myself the value of $250. The counselor was shocked I gave myself such a low value. I replied, “well, I’m $200 more expensive than a person with a really fancy degree and thinks he’s the sh*t, so I think I’m doing okay.” But, honestly, seeing my low value on paper got me thinking that maybe this is something I should address. Finally.

I always kind of knew this was a problem, but for some reason, it’s gotten really bad these last few years. Which is quite ironic, because as a kid, you literally have no inhibitions. I was definitely like that as a kid. I was outgoing (at least to my family and friends), and when I was in middle school, I was so dramatic that I was convinced I was going to be an actress (I was also obsessed with Entertainment Weekly magazine at the time, so that didn’t help either). But as I got older, my mental health wasn’t the best, and as we all know, depression has never been known as a confidence booster. My self-esteem took a hit, but it wasn’t quite as much at an all time low as it is now. Why is that?

A Series of Unfortunate Events (Way Less Entertaining Than the Book Series)

I think it’s just a series of unfortunate events, honestly. From dating a guy who was a bit too honest in his eagerness to try to “help” me by pointing out all of what I haven’t achieved yet, as if I didn’t see these flaws in myself every single damn day of my life (we broke up, don’t worry), my mental health getting better then randomly getting worse, failed job interviews, losing a job, not being able to find a job, etc. All of these things by themselves probably wouldn’t be too bad, but add them all together and then throw in some things on top of those events that come along with them (still living at home, I never got my college degree, not earning enough money…), well, even I have to see how that can be a big blow to my confidence and self-esteem.

Thanks to these events, they’ve all had a negative impact on me and the way I view myself. I’m no longer that little kid who dreams of being an actress (I never would have made it past the first casting call for any part, let’s be honest. I can barely remember anything unless it’s an old TV commercial jingle), but someone who doesn’t believe in themselves. And that’s an important part of being a human being. Sure, you may not be quite as confident as that one friend (everyone always has that one friend) who can talk their way into a job at NASA while only ever majoring in liberal arts, but you should be able to know that you’re capable.

But I don’t know if I am. And I also don’t really believe it.

What My Self-Esteem Tells Me and Makes Me Believe

Now I don’t know if I can ever sit through a job interview again. My very first job interview, I peed my pants right before I went in. I was so nervous that I had to pee, like right this second, and I started peeing even before I could get my pants off in the bathroom stall. Thank god I was wearing black pants and they (hopefully) didn’t notice. It’s a funny story in retrospect, but also a glaring observation of how severe my anxiety was because of said interview. Oh, and I didn’t get the job. Or the job after that. Which makes me even more anxious now to look for a job and that dreaded job interview that comes with it.

And I worry that I will never find a job without a college degree. Even though school has always been a very anxiety provoking part of my life, I couldn’t even make it through online courses without my anxiety overpowering me. I also feel uneducated and stupid for not having a degree, as well. Some people put so much value on where you went to school and what you majored in, that I’m ashamed to say that I couldn’t even manage a few simple courses without having a breakdown.

My mental health has always been very up and down as well. From being on different medications for most of my life, going to therapist to psychologist to psychiatrist, my life has been a series of dark depressive or anxious attacks. Who’s to say it will ever go away? And along with my mental health issues, my anxiety triggers a gut reaction, resulting in IBS, or irritable bowel syndrome, making it very hard to find a job that would make it easy for be to have full access to a bathroom whenever I need it. Which is why I usually only have stay at home jobs for most of my life. Am I even capable enough of having a job?

And once, in one of the most embarrassing instances of my life, when I was severely depressed and not working, at a party, a friend of a friend asked what I did. I replied in what I hoped was a fun and flippant way, “Oh, right now I’m helping my mom baby-sit.” (Which I was doing at the time) But he persisted. “No, but what do you do?” I was flabbergasted and grasped for an answer. “I’m...I’m...I’m...” I stammered. “I’m taking some time off for my health,” I finally managed to say. He seemed really confused and eventually walked away. I had never felt more ashamed and pathetic.

But the most prominent question that pops in my head is: do I deserve to have anything good happen to me?

And my answer is always: no. I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve to have anything. I deserve to have nothing.

Because when you have low-self esteem, you feel like you’re meant to be rejected. That you deserve it. Of course it’s your fault. You’re doing something wrong. You did this to yourself. And everyone can see it.

The job interviewers didn’t give me the job because they knew I wasn’t capable enough. I could barely get through the job interview without shaking violently and having my brain turn to mush when they asked me their questions.

I’m stupid for not having a college degree. Dumber people than me have degrees. I just couldn’t do it because I let my anxiety take over. I wasn’t capable enough to handle it. And everyone judges me for being too stupid to have one.

And why would I even think my mental health would get better? This is the card I’ve been dealt. My gut issues are never getting better. Medications don’t help. The doctors say it stems from my anxiety, and my anxiety stems from gut issues. It’s a vicious circle. Why even dream about getting a normal job? I’m not normal. Not at all.

And Here's What My Low Self-Esteem Makes Me Do

So instead of being rejected, I avoid. I wanted to start a new career years ago, but then when I found out I had to have a college degree plus a master’s, I balked and stopped.

I looked into getting a part-time job, but once I saw the application and realized I would have to do a job interview, I froze. I panicked. I closed my laptop and forgot about it.

My mental health and gut? Well, how could I ever manage anything with that? With frequent, painful trips to the bathroom at inconvenient times? How could I hold a job down with that? I couldn’t, I can’t.

These are all things (and more) that was my low self-esteem says to me. It reminds me of it daily, my weaknesses, my lack of accomplishments, even my lack of trying. It teams up with my depression and anxiety, making me feel blue and irritable that I’m wasting time, not doing anything, for fear of rejection. That everyone can see I’m inadequate, even more than I do.

It’s even the main reason I don’t share anything about my blog with my family or friends. I’m afraid they’ll look at my blog, think my writing isn’t good, or critique it, and say I’m wasting my time. They’ll ask if they really think I can do this as a job, and wouldn’t it be better to have a real job and just keep this a hobby? Or, did I really spend money on this? What a bad investment, especially if your blog never makes any money. What a waste of effort, time, and money.

Low self-esteem is an awful, degrading feeling to have. To have your own mind say you aren’t worth anything, that you don’t deserve anything. All of this just from a combination of bad experiences. Why can’t I just bounce back like other people do? Why do I have to be like this?

But There Is Help. And Hope. (Plus Some Tips!)

And the thing is: I don’t have to be. I’ve talked about this at length with my therapist (I’m under care guys, it’s okay) that this may be the way my brain has rewired from all of these negative thoughts and negative inner voice (in a way, my brain is stuck in a very negative rut), but I can change it. That there are ways to change how I think and feel about myself.

I can stop that negative self talk. That negative inner ear that tells me I’m pathetic, that I’ll never amount to anything, that I don’t deserve any accomplishments, that all I’ll ever be is just a rejected human being.

That I can switch the narrative on that negative voice, turning, “I don’t deserve anything”, to “I deserve something good.” Or “I’ll never find a job that’s right for me,” to “I can find a job that fits most of my needs.” Try taking a negative statement and putting that positive spin on it. It’s amazing how that switch from negative to positive can completely change your view on yourself and what you’re capable of (because we are all capable, no matter what your brain tries to tell you!). It’s realistic and simple, but also, kind of hopeful. And that’s something usually missing with low self-esteem. That hope that you used to have.

I can also start treating myself as a friend aka self-compassion. I’m not at all as harsh to my friends as I am to myself. I’d actually never even talk to someone I hate like the way I talk to myself (not even the $50 guy!). Instead of judging myself, I can try to understand and comfort myself. Remind myself that we’re human and that we’re not all perfect. It’s what I would do for a friend, and shouldn’t I treat myself with that same love and compassion? (You would think, right?)

Another way I’ve heard is to list positive things about yourself. They don’t have to be super specific or important. You could just write “I’m super good at playing Monopoly and usually win!” (which is not an example from my life) or “I love to read and pride myself on how many books I’ve read this year!” (now that is an example from my life). It’s the little things that remind us we’re more than what we think we are not. 

Also, positive affirmations are always another good idea as well. Your own specific ones or even the ones you see all over Pinterest. You can stick them around your room or places you can see them for an added boost of positivity. They can be as sappy or as unsentimental as you want. Just make sure they're positive!

But the one thing that is really helpful is to give yourself small challenges and goals, to push yourself and prove to yourself that you are worthy and you deserve good things in life. I’m slowly trying to do that, by looking for jobs that would suit my needs, go and see my friends more (aka positive- and fun- influences) and trying to be more confident (even though I don’t feel like it. Fake it till you make it!). Don’t push yourself all at once, work up to it, but with each tiny accomplishment, you’ll feel that low self-esteem start to lift away a little bit. Little by little, it does get better (or so I hear).

To (Finally) Wrap It Up (aka Thank You For Reading This Insanely Long Post)

It will take time to rewire your brain from the negative to the positive, but I feel like it’s worth it. It’s the journey I’m currently on and I hope will help with my mental health, my future, and my life. Because deep down, I know that I don’t want to have this low self-esteem. I want to be happy, healthy, and free of the negativity that’s pushing me down and keeping me under. I want to succeed and live and find my self-worth. But I can only do that if I try. And I’m willing to do that. And I hope you are too, if you struggle with low self-esteem. Because you are capable. And you deserve to be happy.

This was my really honest story of my struggles with low self-esteem. This was really hard for me to open up about, so thank you for reading, and I hope some of you may understand what I’m going through. It was, not surprisingly, difficult for me to write, to be so sincere and honest and share such a big and embarrassing and tough part of my life. Mostly because I feel like people would judge me for it and think I'm pathetic (there's that low self-esteem again rearing its ugly head again!). But I hope in a way sharing my struggles will help someone else, and my journey to loving myself and finding my self-worth and believing in myself will in a way hold me accountable for my actions and my negative-hopefully-turned-positive thoughts. I’m worthy of feeling whole, happy, and deserving, and so are you.

*If you’re suffering from low self-esteem, I suggest you see a professional to help with it, as sometimes therapies like CBT (cognitive behavior therapy) or even some medications can help (since low self-esteem can cause or lead to depression). If not, please surround yourself with caring and supportive individuals who will help you. Sending you all my love!*

Stay Weird.

I got some of my tips for helping with low self-esteem from these sites:
PsychAlive
NHS UK
Also from my therapist, but she doesn't have a link. Thanks, girl!

Pin It!

How Much Should I Share About My Mental Health On My Blog?

Photo by Creative Christians on Unsplash

I always wonder what I should be sharing online. Do I need to share my whole life, like some people do? Or do I remain a tad vague, only giving out a few things, peppered here or there, giving me an air of mystery? (Am I an international spy who poses as someone trying to make it as a blogger? Kind of a lame cover, but you’ll never know, not even if you read my blog and try to uncover all the clues I may or may not have been sprinkling throughout it all these years…) 

I admire the people who can open up and talk about their lives without shame. And not only that, but make great blog posts about it. Turn their experiences or mistakes into a lesson that helps us all, in relatable and entertaining ways. But the ones I truly, truly admire, are the ones who can do that with their mental health experiences. To turn something that may have been been very traumatic, troubling, and horrible into something that others can relate to, identify with, learn from, and educate others. I think that is so commendable and incredibly valuable to everyone in the mental health community. But...

In Carrie Bradshaw voice while typing on her laptop and gazing out the window: That makes me wonder: as much as I want to be a mental health advocate, how much of my mental health experience should I share online?

I love reading other people’s mental health blogs. The fact that they can be so open about their issues is inspiring and admirable, and something I want to do. Eventually. Maybe. Because I’m not sure if I’m there yet. Or if I ever will be.

You might have noticed that I’ve shared a few of my experience on my blog here. That I have OCD, depression, anxiety, panic disorder, and oh, the list goes on and on! (Or seems to anyway) I’ve also shared my experiences with going to numerous mental health professionals over the years, EMDR therapy, a letter to my younger self about having mental health, and so on (click here to find all these posts on my mental health tag!). But I’ve been holding back. There are some things that are easy to talk about with mental health, and other things… not so much.

So where do I go from here? Do I open up like the brave mental health advocate bloggers I read or do I keep tiptoeing around the big issues and write about what I find easy(ish) to talk about?

I think the answer can be both. I think there are some things that I may never want to talk about on my blog. Some things may be just too painful to recount or even admit. But there are of course some things I want to share and hopefully will be willing to share one day. I’ve mentioned having OCD and panic disorder, but I haven’t really talked about my years long battle with emetophobia (aka the fear of vomiting). Nor have I talked about my short stint with agoraphobia (now THAT was fun. I’m kidding. It was awful. Duh). But I want to. I really do.

And maybe I can some day. But I might have to work up to it first. Slowly, but I think I can get there. And I have to think that being a mental health advocate isn’t just about sharing the nitty gritty of their experiences with mental health. It’s about opening up the conversation, breaking down that taboo, and reminding people that it’s way more common than we think. And we should be TALKING about it, not keeping it all inside like I’ve been doing my entire life.

So, in my own, vague way, I hope that my stories that I share are helping and opening up that communication with others, and that in the future, I can be even more open and therefore help more people who may be struggling with the very same things I too once struggled with.

But not so open that you immediately think upon reading my blog, “GIRL, shut it down, Emily! Shut down this Pandora’s box of crazy!” Because no one really wants to go THAT deep into someone’s brain, right?? Especially my brain. No one wants to Inception this large clump of gray matter, trust me.

I think a combination of where I am now with blogging about my mental health and being more open about it (but not being completely open, because honestly, there are just some things I probably will never share with anyone except for a close friend, family member, or a mental health professional) and meeting between the two will be a perfect mix of things I can share and hopefully inspire others with similar mental health issues to speak up and talk about their issues.

Let’s just hope I can get the courage to get there soon! But for now, I’ll share with you what I can and maybe, just maybe, they might help someone. 💜

*But please note, just because I may be sharing certain things about my own mental health issues, doesn’t mean you have to. Sharing your own mental health experiences is up to you. If you want to open up, great. If not, that’s entirely your decision. Some people are happier not talking about it and only sharing it with certain, select people. Either of these choices are perfectly normal and okay. You do what’s comfortable and healthy for you!


For people who talk or blog about mental health issues, how honest and open are you with your experiences? Do you share everything, or only select things? Or do you keep it all to yourself? (You have that right! It’s not anyone’s business unless you want it to be!) Let me know in the comments!

Stay Weird!

A Letter to My Younger Self About Mental Health

Have you seen those those "Letters to My However Old Self" blog posts? I know they're usually addressed to the person's seventeen year old self, or fifteen year old self, but I thought I'd take a completely different spin, and address it to my much younger self. As in, my five/six year old self, back when I was first diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder. This was a memory that had been haunting me for a while, but thanks to a recent EMDR therapy session, I was able to process it and find a new and positive meaning in an otherwise upsetting memory. Later that night after my therapy session, I wrote this, and I've decided to share it with all of you. I hope if you're struggling with the shame that comes with having a mental illness, that this will help you and hopefully reshape those bad feelings into something positive. 

"Dear Little Me,

Hi there! It’s big me. Terrifying, right? I’m you, but in grown up form. And see! You finally got that bowl cut you had for years to grow out. It’s not forever, don’t worry. Hair grows. But you already knew that and that’s not why I time traveled from the future to tell you about.

I’m actually here to tell you something important.

I know you just learned something about yourself from a doctor and your mom. You have something called OCD. It stands for obsessive-compulsive disorder. I know the doctor explained it to you, but it’s when your brain gets stuck on an idea or action, and you just can’t stop thinking about that thought or doing that action. It makes you feel better in a way to keep doing it, but it also makes you feel worse. Remember when you got so upset in kindergarten (you must have been about five at the time) about school that you hid under your desk at home and couldn’t stop rolling your hands over each other, over and over again, while your breathing shuddered with cries caught in your chest? Your brain wouldn’t stop thinking about how upsetting your classes made you that doing those actions made you feel better, but also upset you and scared you, because you didn’t know why you were doing them.

The doctor and your mom (especially your mom) were very worried about how upset you were, so they decided to put you on medication. They knew this was a big decision for someone so young, but they wanted you to feel better. They also thought going to therapy to talk about why you were upset might be a good idea. This made you feel better, that something could make these bad thoughts go away, instead of running around and around in your head, never stopping and making you cry and scream.

But then your mom sat you down for a conversation. I think you were about five, maybe close to six. In a gentle way, she told you that there was nothing wrong with being on medication, or going to therapy, but that maybe, just maybe, you should keep it to yourself, and just let your mom, dad, and sisters know. She warned that sometimes some people may not understand, and she didn’t want you to get hurt. You remember feeling a little shocked and confused, didn’t you. You thought, what was wrong with me? What’s wrong with being on medication? Was there something wrong with me? And from there, this secret brought you shame.

Your mom didn’t mean it. Not at all. She was just trying to protect you from the world that she was used to. And trust me, kids (and even grown ups) can be cruel sometimes. She just didn’t want you to be hurt by your friends or by ignorant people who don’t understand mental health. But you carried that shame with you for years. Knowing that you took medicine for a chemical imbalance you couldn’t control. Because that’s all it is, a chemical imbalance. In your brain.

People call it mental health, because it’s in your brain, and affects your behavior, but it’s really a physical problem too. Your brain is a physical, real thing and affects your body. Those shuddering, painful breaths? Those are physical. That painful rhythm of your heart as panic sets in? That’s physical. That feeling of electricity running up and down your legs as your irritability grips you like a knife? That’s physical. Your mind and body are connected, and no, you are not crazy. You are completely normal.

Because there’s one thing your mom forgot to mention, something I just learned now, as a 30 year old (yes, 30! I know, I’m old): that there is hope. Yes, there will be bad times. Sometimes you need to find a new medication, sometimes several, and sometimes those medications won’t work. But one (or two) will. It might take you a while to find a doctor that actually cares about you, you might have some (truly) awful ones in between, but there will be a good one there to support you. And no, some friends and a certain boyfriend (yeah, you’ve had boyfriends. Some better than others, lemme tell ya!) will not understand your struggles, but there will be friends who, without having to explain, will support you, no matter what you’re going through. They will stand by your side and listen when you want to talk, or just be there, letting you know they’re there, just in case.

There is no reason to feel shame about your mental health. Your mental issues may be a part of you, but it’s not all you are. There are people out there who understand you, who know exactly what you are going through, or have went through it, or something similar, themselves. And there are people who may not know what you’re going through, but can be there for you. There is nothing wrong with you. You are yourself, and that’s okay. That’s more than okay. That’s wonderful. That’s great. It’s splendid. It’s beautiful.

I promise you know, as a grown up, that things will, and always do, get better. That you will not always feel bad, that the sun will shine through the clouds. The right medication will help, therapy will help, and you will get better. You just have to try and want to feel better. You have to put in the work, no matter how hard it is. But it works. It really does.

It will be okay, little me. I promise you. I won’t let the world and our mind defeat you. Because I’m still here, and I’m proof that it didn’t.

Love you, you odd little thing,
Your much older odd self

PS. They lied about Beanie Babies. They aren’t worth squat. Trust me."

This was such a personal piece for me to write, but I think it was important for me to share. I want to be more open about my mental health experiences, and become an advocate, and change those negative feelings I have towards myself and my mental health, as well as others who might have felt the same exact way I did about mine. And don't get me wrong; I'm still struggling with the way I feel and have felt about my mental health. But it's a start. A good start. And I'm honored to share it with all of you and I hope it helps you if you're struggling the way I was. And remember: there is always hope.

Question for all of you: Do you feel or have you felt ashamed about having a mental illness or illnesses? If so, how do you combat or change those feelings to something more positive? I'm still working on it, and maybe so are you, so tips all around are always appreciated!

Stay Weird!

Me, Social Media, and My Mental Health

Photo by Laura Chouette on Unsplash

Disclaimer: This post includes affiliate links, which means if you purchase something through one of these Very Special Links, I get a small commission at no extra cost to you. Just a head's up!

*This post is inspired by a book I read not too long ago, Notes on a Nervous Planet by Matt Haig. I had never read any of Matt Haig’s books before (sorry, Matt!), but I was curious to read a book of his and chose this one. And I’m so glad I did. So thank you, Mr. Haig, for making me think and being the inspiration for this blog post.*

I love the internet. I’ve been obsessed with it ever since my family got a home computer back in the 90’s and those free AOL trial CDs for the internet. I used to play on Neopets, build Geocities websites, and just search this great big ocean of information. And then came Myspace.

Myspace was my first (and a lot of people’s) introduction to social media. To being connected to not only your friends, but other people and celebrities, too. You posted information about yourself, posted mirror selfies, added friends (the more the better!), got to choose who was in your top eight (or twelve or twenty four), and got to like and comment on pictures, and just generally get sucked into this virtual world. Thankfully, this was a time when you could only access it on your computer, so it felt like you spent hours asking your friends to like your new picture and commenting “like4like” on other people’s emo pictures before a family member kicked you off the computer.

But now, with Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, and more (I mean, there’s probably some other hot new social media app that I just have no idea exists because I’m old and used to be on Myspace), we’re always checking our social media accounts, but not on our computers. On our phones. That we take everywhere. That we have at all times. That sends us notifications whenever something happens. Every day. At all times.

Notes on a Nervous Planet is Matt Haig’s brilliant and relatable account of the internet, social media, our own planet and population, and all the anxiety (including his own) that comes with this constant flow of information, clogging up our world, putting us on edge. With every ding of our phone notifying us of the news (usually always bad), or a new photo like on Instagram, we jump, eager (or dreading) to see what’s happened, connecting us to this digital world, and disconnecting us from the world around us.

It seemed to be kismet that I read Notes on a Nervous Planet when I did. I had been feeling bogged down by social media, by the constant need to update Twitter statuses, Instagram stories, promoting blogs, Youtube channels, and everything else we’re always on. Because if we’re not on social media, where are we, really? Who are we? What are we missing out on? Oh, didn’t you see I sent you that pin on Pinterest? I tagged you on Facebook group event. Didn’t you see that event trending on Twitter? Um, no. I missed all of that? Then where have I really been? What have I been doing? Nothing, obviously.

The anxiety, loneliness, and feeling of inadequacy I felt every time I checked my phone was almost painful. I wasn’t living life, if I wasn’t posting something I had experienced or done. I was already depressed but I felt even more depressed, seeing what I was missing out on. Other people were living, and I was not. My therapist had encouraged me to stop checking my social media as much, because comparison is never helpful when you’re depressed and suffering. Everyone moves at a different pace and not everyone is in the same place. But I didn’t even consider her advice until I read Mr. Haig’s book. It was as if a switch was flipped, and my therapist’s advice made total and complete sense after Notes on a Nervous Planet. I needed to make a change for me, to create a balance of my real life and social media that was healthy, and for social media to hopefully go back to being fun, instead of almost a burden.

So I set some new rules for myself, inspired by Matt’s book, to break this toxic connection until I felt like I could handle it:

-Take a time out. Take a time out from your phone and take a time out for your life. Do something for you, in this real world, not online. Read, write, go for a walk, a run, play with your cat/dog/hamster/small reptile, anything real and for you. And then when you’re ready...

-Check it when you want to (not when you’re bored or have something else to do).

-Post when you want to (not to impress anyone, but for yourself).

-Limit your time on social media. Don’t get sucked in and forget about the real world around you.

That’s it.

And guess what? It worked.

I’ve learned to put my phone down and ignore it. Social media can be such a toxic place, especially if you’re not in a good place, which I was. You feel ashamed of your lack of accomplishments, of that heavy depression cloud that hangs over you, when you see a Facebook friend has gotten married, bought a house, had a baby, or got a promotion. You feel embarrassed that you’re not rich or just don't have will or energy to travel to fun and exotic places to take Instagram photos (and know how to pose in them) with a professional camera taken by a friend who actually knows how to take a good picture.

But social media is also filled with such support, too. The Twitter mental health community is such a positive and supportive place to be, and so can other social media communities, if you look for your niche. And when you’re in a good place, you can celebrate the accomplishments of your Facebook acquaintances and the places Instagrammers get to explore (in really cute, put together outfits. How do they do it?? Maybe I could do that!).

If I miss out on a post from a few days ago, oh well. It doesn’t mean I don’t care, it means I have a life in the real world, too. And being in the real world is more important than live tweeting the Game of Thrones finale or thinking about or yearning for likes. In the real world, I’ve been reading more, texting my friends instead of tagging them through social media, setting up times to actually see them in real life, not just photos of them on Facebook and Instagram. I’m taking the time to focus on me, my life, my health, the world around me, not through a smartphone’s screen or lens, but with my own two eyes. Just for me, not for anyone else.

So, thank you, Matt Haig, for encouraging me to start this new healthy relationship with myself and social media. My mental health is better for it and my relationship with social media isn’t as important, but when on I'm in, it’s started to be fun again.

And I guess I should thank my therapist too, since it was kind of-sort of her idea for me in the first place.

Very Special Link: Buy Notes on a Nervous Planet on Amazon

Has anyone else read Notes on a Nervous Planet or read any other of Matt Haig's books? If so, let me know what you thought of the book or of Matt Haig's other books! I'm ready to read more from him! And how do you deal with the balance between social media and your mental health? Let me know!

Stay Weird!

My First Session of EMDR Therapy

If you read my last post (which I’m imagining you did, just to make myself feel better), you may know that I’ve been in therapy for quite some time. Years, in fact. I started going when I was in kindergarten, believe it or not, and have been seeing some sort of mental health professional on and off over the years. So I feel like I’m pretty experienced in talk therapy and CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy).

But the one therapy that was never offered or suggested to me until now? EMDR therapy.

EMDR, or eye movement desensitization and reprocessing, is a type of therapy usually used for people suffering with post traumatic stress disorder, but also helps with people with anxiety, depression, or phobias. It’s a therapy that’s used to help you process and unblock past traumas or events that you have not psychologically dealt with yet and may be affecting your life without you even knowing it. It uses the same eye movement that occurs in your REM sleep; you know, when you’re dreaming and processing your day, while your eyes rapidly move back and forth beneath your closed eyelids (have you ever seen someone sleeping and their eyes doing that? It’s a little freaky, to be honest!) Though some EMDR therapies use hand tapping or even audio stimulation instead of rapid eye movement.

My current therapist, who I have been seeing for almost a year and is just lovely, suggested that since I admitted I felt a little stuck in therapy and where I am in my life, we might try EMDR, since there may be some things in my past that might be contributing to my feeling of being stuck.

Without going into too many details (because seriously, who has the time or the interest to read my entire mental history? Hell, I don’t even want to write it!), right now I’ve been dealing with negative beliefs about myself, that have kept me from moving forward and making changes in my life, hence, making me feel pretty stuck. Since I've seemed to have tried everything else offered in therapy, why not EMDR? The worst that can happen is that it doesn't work for me, right?

I wasn't too nervous to start my first session. My therapist explained that we start with a traumatic memory or experience that upsets me and has stuck me for a long time and has had a negative impact on me. We chose one (it’s weird how when you’re asked to recall a negative memory, you suddenly blank, but then when you’re trying to sleep at night they all come flooding in, one right after another. Great timing, horrible memories!), and she explained that she would stick out her arm to the side, bent at the elbow, and swing her arm upright, pointing two fingers, left to right like a clock’s pendulum, for my eyes to follow. We positioned our chairs across from each other, but her chair to the right of me, so her arm and fingers were right in my eye line. She also told me before the session that if something was too painful or I got upset, I could quite literally tell her to stop, and we could take a break if needed.

We started our session by me recalling the memory in detail and focusing on that feeling. She then swung her arm and fingers from left to right, with my eyes following her fingers while I focused on that memory. She would then stop after about 10 seconds (or what felt like it), we would both take a deep breath, and she would ask me what I was feeling or thinking about. I would follow up with what I had felt or what had crossed my mind, and she would say, “let’s focus on that,” and then she continued swinging her arm/fingers and I again followed them me eyes. This whole process is literally called processing. That continued for the rest of the session.

Sounds kind of boring, right? Um, not so! Just from this one memory that had always stuck with me negatively, SO many other memories and feelings popped into my head. It really did feel like one thing literally led to another, that so many feelings and experiences I had were connected in one way or another to this one memory. I started crying at numerous times as other things popped into my head, as the connections were made and I admitted out loud and to myself some things that been buried inside my mind, that I never wanted to acknowledge.

EMDR sessions continue until the memory is resolved (aka reprocessed), meaning until the memory doesn’t upset or impact you anymore. We started at a scale of 0 to 10, with 0 being that it doesn’t affect me at all, and 10 being pretty much this is such a terrifying memory that I can’t even deal with it. I started at a 7 during my first session and at the end it was at a 3. So for the next session, we focused on that memory again, to see if we could get my feelings towards it to a 0. And we did! After two sessions, that memory no longer negatively impacts me. I processed it during those two sessions, looked back on it, went through those feelings, and what came up during the session, and I was able to put it behind me. It was pretty amazing.

I can’t believe no other therapist had suggested EMDR before, but I’m so grateful my therapist did. We already have two other memories that we both feel I need to process (they popped up several times during my first two session, almost without me realizing it. Thank god my therapist takes notes), so that means my EMDR sessions will continue for the time being.

I’m eager to feel better and would highly recommend EMDR therapy to anyone who feels they may need it, but I also want to point out some tips that may help you during the process of, well, the process of EMDR:

#1. Have coping skills to use before, during, and after the sessions. My therapist warned me that bringing up traumatic or unresolved issues can be very upsetting and trigger some people. So before we began our sessions, she taught me some coping skills to help me feel safe and supported. We close each session with a coping skill that I choose, and I actually really needed to use a coping skill after our first session, where I spent most of it crying, after I got back into my car. I used a grounding technique to remind myself that I was present, safe, and okay. And guess what: it helped.

#2. Have someone besides your therapist you can lean on for support. You don’t have to tell them what happened during your session, but just having someone you know you can count on to be there for you as you revisit some traumatic events is really helpful and reassuring.

#3. Take time between EMDR sessions. I see my therapist once a week (not to brag), and at my last session, I told her I needed a break from my EMDR sessions to talk about my EMDR sessions and to process what I’ve been processing! I was a bit embarrassed to admit it, but she assured me that that was totally normal, and if I needed to take breaks in between sessions, I could. Especially if I was feeling nervous or anxious at upcoming sessions, which I was and just wanted to talk about how to prepare for those new sessions and new sets of memories and what may come up. So please be open and honest with your therapist if you need a break. You’re already pushing yourself a lot, so don’t push yourself even more to the point of hurting your mental health.

EMDR is tough, rigorous, and extremely emotionally draining, but so rewarding. I know it helps a lot with people with PTSD, but I’m so impressed that it’s helping me, with my anxiety, depression, and past memories that are hindering my recovery. And I feel so lucky that I’m at a point where I’m able to challenge myself to confront these fears and try to change, and that I have a great, supportive therapist who is willing to work with me. I hope it helps me get to a point where I’m able to live my life the way I want to, and not the way my negative beliefs and disorders have made me think I should.

Has anyone else gone through EMDR therapy? Has it helped you at all? If so, let me know! I’d love to hear from you! And if you’re interested in more of my EMDR journey, let me know if you’d like to hear more about it. I’m sure the mental health adventures aren’t over yet!

Stay Weird!

What I've Learned From Going To A Lot Of Therapists

For almost as long as I can remember, I’ve been in therapy. I was diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) when I was in kindergarten, and from them on it’s just been one long string of diagnoses, therapists, counselors, psychologists, psychiatrists, and any sort of mental health professional that may offer counseling. So I think it’s safe to say I’ve had my fair share of talk therapy.

Therapy is literally so different, all depending on your age (as a kid you get to freaking coloring, reading stories, play with a dollhouse all while an adult tries to slyly ask you questions? No biggie!) and your therapist (man, woman, nice, stern. Therapists and doctors come in all shapes and forms). And as for one who has been in the therapy biz (only, you know, the one being counseled, not the one who is actually doing counseling and has that degree), I think I know a good therapist when I meet one. It just took me a long while to get there.

When I was first diagnosed with OCD, my mom immediately took me to a child psychologist. She was super nice, read me stories about a cute family of bunnies who lived in a tree trunk, and I honestly barely remember anything else about it except for the cute bunny book. So to me, therapy? It was fun!

I was then later sent to a child psychiatrist when my OCD got worse. This doctor not only have an amazing dollhouse to play with, she also had a treasure box filled with cheap toys and trinkets that I could pick out one thing after my appointment. Um, you bet I could sit through those questions while rearranging the dollhouse (the kids before me always messed up the rooms in it. Even as a youngster, I knew how a dollhouse should be set up). Therapy? Still not a big deal.

But as I got older, and new symptoms popped up and new diagnoses were, well, diagnosed, therapy became incredibly difficult. Either working with a particular doctor wouldn’t work out or my insurance wouldn’t cover that doctor, therapy started to get real. I bounced from doctor to therapist, trying to find my way, all the while my mental health issues were at an all time high and as much as I wanted to feel better, the older I got, the more pressure and anger I felt that my parents were pushing me to see people I wasn’t comfortable opening up to. Thus let a long line of therapists and mental health professionals:

I remember seeing a psychiatrist who specialized in Eastern/Indian medicine and determined I had too much Earth and wanted me to take herbs to help alleviate my grounding (you know, to add more Air to my Earth). I remember seeing a male psychologist and lying to his face that I was just fine, because I didn’t trust him one bit (he made my mom cry, so that sealed the deal for me). I once saw a holistic psychiatrist who either wanted to film our session or type the transcript literally as we were having our session, which was very awkward. I even visited a hypnotist once, to help with my extreme phobias. My parents drove me all over, taking me from doctor to health care professional, trying to find one that worked for me. Sometimes they worked for a while. Sometimes we came to a stalemate, and other times, it just didn’t work out. Sometimes it ended with a bang.

The first child psychologist I had when I was first diagnosed ended up treating me as a tween. I confronted quite reasonably and asked her about wanting to change our session from once a week to one every two weeks, and she said no, and proceeded to say I was resisting treatment. I was so hurt by her sudden coldness that I stormed out and never went back. That wouldn’t be the first time I heard that in my life from a therapist. It’s amazing how often a therapist will immediately drop you if “resist treatment.” In the second case, my therapist suggested I do something I didn’t feel comfortable with, and instead of discussing it with me, she immediately threw up her hands, said I was “resisting her,” and recommended I find a new therapist. Literally. Just like that.

Through all of this, I’ve learned a lot about therapists, and about myself too. Number one being:

It takes a while to find a therapist that’s right for you. And even it works out for a while, it may come to an end. Because being in therapy is like being in a relationship, just a very one-sided relationship. Sometimes it works for a while, and then it doesn’t. You change, and therefore sometimes your relationship with your therapist does too. And that’s perfectly okay. It just means you move on to someone else who can work with you for what you’re going through now.

Number two: You have to find a therapist you trust. I tried to trust a lot of mental health care professionals, but being an awkward and embarrassed tween and then a moody teenager who was sick of the constant appointments, it became too much and I just stopped trying. Trusting your therapist is so important. You’re going to be telling them your most intimate, private thoughts and dealing with your delicate emotions and digging deep into your past. That takes trust. Don’t just pick the first therapist you come across who takes your insurance. Shop around, and find one that you click with. It you feel more comfortable with women, go to a female therapist. There’s no shame in it, you just have to do what’s right for you and your mental health.

Number three: Therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists, and counselors are people too. Sometimes they’re kind and understanding. Other times they’re rude, snobbish, and think they know best. They are the professional, after all. I’ve had to learn that some doctors feel that it’s their way or the highway, and are not going to try to be flexible with their patients. That’s their choice, but I hope that they understand that that might lose them patients. So look out for red flags. If your therapist doesn’t listen to you, talks about themselves, makes you feel bad about yourself, leave. They’re not for you. The therapist I saw before the current therapist I’m seeing now, was tough, abrasive, and I left crying, feeling terrible about myself, after almost every appointment. I didn’t trust her but I tried. It wasn’t until I reached a breaking point that I realized that I could find another therapist who worked for me. The realization was a revelation and it made me realize that I did have a choice in who I had to see.

As for me, after seeing so many therapists, I’ve learned so much about myself. That sometimes, being forced into therapy isn’t the best, but sometimes it’s what was necessary. My parents knew I needed help and did what they thought was best and tried every possible avenue to help me. I just wish that at a young age that I could have been more grateful for the enormous effort they put into caring for my mental health, and tried harder with those therapists, even if it didn’t work out. But in my own way I did try, and as I got older, and my symptoms got even worse, I realized the importance of therapy. It wasn’t until I got my own insurance and realized I needed help, that I looked into finding my own therapist as an adult, that it was all my choice, that I saw how great therapy is. I actually found a therapist that I clicked with and I’ve honestly been working so hard and putting so much effort into my mental health, that I feel that this is the best decision I’ve ever made. And I made it just for me, when I needed it.

Which leads me to the most important part: you need to want to be in therapy for therapy to work for you. You need want to change and feel better and put in the work. You need to try. You can’t half ass it. It will be one of the most grueling experiences of your life, but it’s so worth it.

A lot of therapists led me to believe that therapy will never end, especially the ones who you pay out of pocket to. But my current therapist actually told me that, no, therapy wasn’t a forever thing. You use it when you need help, and then hopefully you won’t need it again unless something else comes up. This was such a revelation to me. I won’t need this forever? No, I hopefully I won’t. But just in case, it will still be there when I need it. And I can’t tell you how hopeful that makes me feel about the work I’m doing in therapy and now, and for my future.

Stay Weird!

6 Easy Self-Care Tips We Should All Be Doing

Photo by Haley Powers on Unsplash

I don't know how you've been feeling lately, but I've been feeling very overwhelmed and very uninspired. I couldn't figure out why once I sat down on my laptop, bursting with ideas about blog posts to write, I immediately felt all of those brilliant thoughts seeping out of my ears. By the time I finally found the time to work on it, I was too tired to bother. I knew I needed this down time to just focus on me and to recharge, but after stretching myself too thin all day, instead of being something enjoyable, it was just another dreaded task to add on to my to do list of the day. It seemed like whenever I did have a moment to myself, something else more important would come up and needed to be done right then. I was so tired, sluggish, and started to snap at people more and more (sorry, everyone). I feel so ashamed as a bookworm to say this, but even reading didn't appeal to me! This change in my usual perky weird aka normal personality perplexed me for a few weeks until I finally figured out what was the matter: I wasn't taking care of myself, physically, mentally, or emotionally. I was putting other things (and people) first, and completely forgetting to take time out for me.

As an introvert, I feel the need to be alone a lot, just to catch my breathe and ground myself against the hubbub and swirl of people (even family and close friends sometimes) that can surround me, which is very draining for me. So what did I do to help change this pattern and get me back to my charming and lovely normal self? I remembered what literally every blogger posts and tweets about: self-care.

Now, self-care isn't just about face masks and taking the time to take a bubble bath with at least one Lush bath product (though if that's what you consider self-care, then honey, go for it!). It's literally taking care of YOU, and your physical, mental, and emotional needs. It's not a selfish thing at all and don't let anyone else tell you otherwise. You're just as important as everyone else in your life and deserve to be taken care of too, especially by you. A lot of people tend to put others first, or are focused on work, school, family, or relationships and just forget to focus on themselves. Which is all well and good, but you can't forget about yourself and your health. I definitely was doing this and knew I needed to make some changes to get me back on track. I did some research and came up with six easy things that I need to do every single day to make me feel like I'm the best possible version of myself (or at least the prototype of what I could be one day).

Self-care should be something everyone is doing and I hope my tips can help you get started! (Or at least give you some ideas) ♥

1. Find At Least An Hour a Day To Do Something You Love

This is a big one and the one I feel is most important (at least for me). I love blogging, reading, and writing, but I had been feeling so stressed and busy with other things, that I didn't feel that desire to do what I enjoy doing. It seemed like my time wasn't my own anymore, so I came up with giving myself at least an hour (or hopefully more, especially if I'm reading) every single day, to do exactly what I love doing. Which is actually what I'm doing right now, by writing this blog post. I'm working on something that I want to do, that's just for me and no one else. So find the time (at least an hour or two) to do that one thing that you want to do, that's just for you and I swear you'll see a difference in your otherwise tired and crabby mood. (You know, as opposed to your usual lovely and delightful mood!)

2. Put Down That Phone

I know our current modern world revolves around technology and social media. I love social media and probably spend way too much time on it, which is why I'm trying to be on my phone less. As fun as it is to catch up on what your friends are tweeting or what pictures they're posting, social media is kind of a time zapper. You lose yourself in looking at post after post, than following some person with the super cute outfit and pastel tinted Instagram pictures and before you know it, it's three hours later, you're feeling depressed your life isn't as colorful and exciting as that beauty blogger's is and you've lost all of this time you could have been doing something for you and your well being. Try to limit the amount you check your phone and how long you're on it, and it's crazy the amount of time you'll have back. And sanity. There's nothing like falling down the rabbit hole of everyone's "perfect" life (I'm not going to lie, I've done this plenty of times. Especially at night when I'm tired and at my most vulnerable) to cause you to contemplate on why your life isn't like that for a few good hours (more time wasted!). So put down that phone and focus on you and only you. And honestly, it's almost a relief to get away from that glaring little screen and endless notifications. Enjoy your real life activities and hobbies and you'll probably forget about even having a phone before it dings to let you know seven people liked that picture you posted on your Instagram.

3. Drink More Water

This is probably one of the most obvious tips ever, but it's still worth saying. Besides eating well and exercising, staying hydrated is key. I always forget to drink, whether it's water, juice, or even soda and I've been paying for it lately. I've been more tired, my brain has been all foggy, my skin was dry, and it wasn't until I started thinking I needed to take care of myself more, that I realized I wasn't drinking nearly enough water. I wasn't even thinking about drinking water myself, I was just too busy and distracted with whatever to realize that I need to stay hydrated. Now I keep a water bottle beside me at all times and I feel a little proud every time I have to refill it. Do whatever you can to drink more water, whether it's by setting a reminder every half hour or so, or even just buying a cute new water bottle to use to motivate you to drink more (plus it's better for the environment than using those plastic bottles). You'll feel worlds better and your body will thank you for it. Drink up!

4. (Try to) Get a Full Night's Sleep Every Night

Sleep. It's something we all need but it's so hard to get. I've been having the hardest time getting to sleep. I'm a good sleeper once I go to sleep, it's just the actual falling asleep I'm having trouble with. And when I don't get around seven hours or so a night...whoa. I am not pleasant to be around. So for my sake and the sake of those around me, I've been trying my hardest to get a better night's sleep. I've started taking over the counter melatonin supplements to help start the process an hour or so before bed (they're gummy ones too, so it's like I get a treat before I go to bed!). I've also purposely stopped looking at my phone once I'm in bed, just so I won't become too distracted to sleep. And the best possible thing I've found have been videos on YouTube of hours and hours of thunderstorm sounds, the crackling of fireplaces, and any other kind of soothing soundscape you can think of. I love the sound of rain and thunderstorms, so falling asleep to the soft sounds of a distant storm (obviously I play the sounds very low. Can you imagine having a thunderstorm soundscape on full blast when you're trying to sleep? No thanks!) sounds like such a dreamy (get it? Sorry, I just had to) way to fall asleep. It's sad when you kind of forget what a good night's sleep feels like but the combination of taking the melatonin, putting down my phone, and listening to soothing sounds has helped my sleeping pattern so much and has let me remember just how awesome it is to sleep well and all night!

*And geeky bonus: there's this amazing channel called ASMR rooms that makes hour long videos based on a whole bunch of geeky things, like Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Game of Thrones, etc. For example, she has soundscapes for all of the Hogwarts common rooms, with gentle sounds like the scratching of quills writing on parchment (I never knew I needed that sound in my life until I started listening to these videos), crackling fires, hooting owls, etc. These videos are great to fall asleep to and they're also perfect for background noise when you're reading or studying. Seriously, give it a try and you'll feel like you're in the Wizarding World or a hobbit hole (your choice!) and you won't want to go back to reality after listening to them.

5. Learn to Say "No" and Not Feel Bad About It

I'm a people pleaser, I'll admit it. I want to make people happy and that usually means saying yes when I want to say no. I never want to disappoint anyone, so I'll usually agree to go out when I'm too tired or do something I just don't want to do and have no interest in. And then once I do, I end up feeling resentful towards whoever invited me, which is dumb and not their fault, and mad at myself, for not being able to stand up for myself and say no. After years and years of this (aka my whole entire life), I've started to (slowly) start saying no. And it's so hard to do but so worth it. If you need that time to yourself by staying in, or if you're invited to do an activity you're just not interested in and you'd rather be doing something for yourself, then politely say "no thanks" or "maybe not this time." It's as easy as that. Be nice about it (seriously, don't be mean about it!), say you'll hang out or go out with them another time, and try not to worry that you've hurt their feelings (you probably didn't. But I'm a worrier so every time I stand up for myself and speak up, I feel like I've stabbed them in the heart and am letting them down. I'm working on it, guys). If they're your real friends, they'll understand. Don't push yourself if you're not feeling up for something you just don't have the energy for. Take care of yourself and do what's right for you for once!

6. Be Your Own Advocate for Your Physical, Mental, and Emotional Health

This tip is very similar to the one before it, but it's actually even more important. Speak up about how you're feeling! If you're getting frequent headaches, don't ignore it! Get it checked out. Same with your mental health. If you need to talk about something, there's no shame in talking to a therapist or even a really understanding and comforting friend. And if you're having trouble with a family member, friends, or partner, just talk to them about it, don't leave it bottled up. It's amazing how physical, mental, and emotional things can affect the way you live your life. The mind and the body are connected and a lot of the times if you're not doing well emotionally, it can manifest as physical problems (and vice versa). So please, speak up if you're not feeling well and get some help. I was having an incredibly hard time earlier this year and it took me a few months, but I finally called my therapist, who I hadn't seen in almost a year, and made an appointment. It was hard to admit I needed help, but I'm doing a lot better than I was this past spring and I'm so happy I had a few sessions with her. Actively working on your health is the ultimate sign and goal of self-care. We should all be doing this, but life gets in the way, or you just don't have the time or the money, but please, invest in yourself and your health. It's worth it, I promise.

This went a little long, but I really wanted to talk about self-care and my experience with it lately. What did you think? Do you use any of these tips? Or do you have your own tips and tricks to use for your own self-care? Let me know in the comments, I'd love to hear your thoughts!

Stay Weird,
Emily

Pin It!